There’s a bris next Sunday afternoon, and you’re all invited

16 August 2004

Conversation between a nurse and my wife on Saturday night, shortly after she arrived at the maternity ward:

“You’re ten centimeters dilated, and the baby is at minus one.”

“OK. Screw natural childbirth. Can I have the epidural now?”

“It’s too late for that. The fastest way for you to get rid of the pain is to have the baby. You can push any time you want now.”

Half an hour later, she was in much less pain.

Vital statistics

Date and time of birth

2004-08-15T02:32Z (corrected)

Mass at birth

2.056 × 10²⁷ proton masses

Length at birth

8.6 × 10⁵ wavelengths of the sodium D-line

Apgar scores

8 at birth, 9 five minutes later

Name

TBA at bris

Bris

2004-08-22 (exact time and place TBA)

Gideon’s present for the baby

a crib toy that looks like a book

The baby’s present for Gideon

a large toy bulldozer

Associate producer credit

Jon Kamens, for taking care of Gideon while his parents and emerging brother spent the night in the hospital

• Later: I can call spirits from the vasty deep, too
• Earlier: Pointy-haired officers