imaginary family values presents

yesh omrim

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Giving new meaning to the phrase “family jewels”

12 December 2005

Do you think the old custom of using the wedding-night bedsheet to attest to a bride’s virginity (cf. Deuteronomy 22:13–19*) is kind of, umm, tacky?

It could be worse.

Start by explaining the “covenant” part of the equation. Begin with, “Sue, thank you for this evening. It is one we both will always treasure. I want to commemorate this day and our covenant with this.” Then open the jewelry box and let the gold do the talking for just a moment. Then say, “This locket is handmade from precious metal – just the way God made you. This locket and what it stands for is the sentinel of your heart. Here’s why: from this day forward you will wear this locket as often as you wish. It will send the statement that you are waiting for your husband. It is more than that though, Sue. It has a lock on it. It can only be opened with this key. I will guard the key until your wedding. On that day, I will present the key to my little girl’s heart to your husband. He will take the key and open the locket, the only one ever to do so.”

This is why we need sex education in the public schools. Sue is going to walk away from that conversation thinking that babies are made through open-heart surgery.

via Lawyers, Guns and Money

*Best. Aufruf. Parsha. EVAR.